Don't give up!!! Day 40
Aug 17, 2018
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4d01M8_5nE

[Music]
good evening everybody and welcome to
Thursday today has just been one of
those days again where it was just like
accomplishing much of anything was not
gonna happen
I did my household cleaning I did all
that good stuff the things that needed
to be done I got done but anything above
and beyond that and extras let's see
where did we start today well the kids
did wake up in great moods but Ezra has
just been so extra clingy and I am not
really quite sure what's going on I
don't know she's still cutting her
more's if that's what's kind of causing
this like friction last night she woke
up at I want to say it was like 12:30
and no no no no sorry
11:30 she woke up which is like not her
and she was up until 2:00 then she
finally went back to sleep and then she
woke up at 7:30 I want to say and she
woke up in a good mood but just very
clingy and so today I you know i sat
with her while she took a nap and
cuddled with her and really just tried
to you know give her as much comfort as
I could because I just clearly just
don't think she is feeling a hundred
percent because she's just not been
herself and she's just been a little
extra on the the very sensitive side do
you say anything to her and she just
laughs which does remind me of myself
because
very I'm sensitive so if when I was
younger I remember like if somebody was
like Amy stop or you know that's not
okay or something I would like find a
corner somewhere and I would just go and
Bowl my eyes out and be like they hate
me because they told me to stop you know
that type of thing
so I think she kind of inherited that
from me good times good times but it's
all good anyways so I had that going on
and Ally had been out working all day
two days so I didn't really have any
extra hands to help so in return I did
not get to do any in the organizing that
I wanted to do but we will see the house
did stay clean and that was a that was a
plus that was a plus um April and Miss
Somalia I want to apologize right now
and let you guys know I did not get to
the post office to get your guys's boxes
put out today I woke up pretty dizzy
this morning I called my doctor and I
had vertigo in the past but I haven't
had it for many years and so I thought
maybe it was that and I know if I take
seasickness pills it usually will help
but I didn't have any on hand husband
was gone and so I called the doctor and
he said that he thinks it has to do with
because I was outside yesterday for a
while he thinks it might have something
to do with the smoke in the air so he
said he would suggest highly suggest me
to just pretty much steam sword because
that's just what I love to do all the
time
but he said just to stay inside stay low
and try not to breathe the air in as
much as possible so I didn't feel
confident enough to load the three kids
in the car and drive to the post office
being as dizzy as I was and also being
out in the smoke
more I was I needed to go to Dollar Tree
today and I didn't even I I was like no
you're not gonna do it so I'm hoping for
it tomorrow
all he does have another meeting
tomorrow and he's gonna be about 45
minutes away and give or take we has a
traffic and it being Friday
there's a good chance that I may not get
to the post office tomorrow depending on
the air quality so worst-case scenario
he is off on Saturday and he said he
will take it no matter what on Saturday
but I just want to apologize to you guys
because I feel so bad that I told you
guys Thursday or Friday and here it's
Thursday and I didn't do it and Friday
is coming and there's a possibility I
may not get it out tomorrow but I
promise you
saturday is the day for sure if it's not
tomorrow but I will email you guys and
let you guys know for positive if mmm if
we can get it out before then fingers
crossed that things work in my favor and
maybe I'll start feeling better tonight
I'm feeling a little bitter I'm not as
I'm not feeling as tipsy but I still
have a little bit so I don't want to go
outside and amp it back up and make it
back again because that that stuff sucks
like you literally feel like you're on a
ride and cannot ever seem to get off of
it and then when you stand up you're
like whoo it's like yeah no so anywho
that was with that Oh what else are my
little things that I was going to talk
to you guys about Oh so me good Maya
ain't got the mill for me today
my little love bug and I got me some
happy mail that sound like I was saying
happy meal like from McDonald's oh no no
those there's no Happy Meals in this
house especially not a me happy notes no
I got me some paparazzi in the
I'm so excited so I got hmm well I got
to pieces and then my friend sent my
little girl a little something too so
she got a little bracelet I'll show it
to you guys
and as for was so excited she's like me
my pretty my I'm like yes that's right
yes it's yours
so here's my bracelet it's so dainty and
pretty I love it it's like a silver and
then it has the extender so that will
fit my wrist because my wrist could be
and then I got me a necklace women can
never have enough necklaces I don't care
what men say women cannot ever have
enough necklace it's okay coming from
the from the girl that never work with
necklaces too old said now that's all I
wear is necklaces um but this one was so
pretty I couldn't pass it up I was just
like trying to see where the front is um
I even made her reshow because I was
doing dishes the day she was doing her
live showing her necklaces and I got a
glimpse of it but I didn't get a chance
to see it all the way so she had to go
back and take it out of the package to
show it to me again and I was like oh
that's mine
I'm taking it I am NOT passing this one
up so it's a really long necklace and it
comes into this and then lookit oh my
gosh I am just like in love all the
little hearts and pearls and so when I
put it on its gonna have me old hit me
in perfect spot so I'm so excited
Thank You Brenda absolutely love my
paparazzi jewelry and then here's my
little bracelet for Ezra that she got a
little gift from from Brenda I'm trying
to hold it to where you guys can see it
like the color it's such a pretty color
too I'm absolutely in love but I hide
her jewelry because if not she
be in it every single day all day and
yeah I ain't gonna deal with that so and
all my stuff's nicely organized out and
put on the wall and yeah anyways okay so
the next thing that I was gonna talk
about tonight
was I had seen a couple of comments and
and it wasn't even comment it was also I
seen um sorry my mouth was getting a
little dry uh-huh i I've heard also from
just in general you know other youtubers
that I follow and I read their comments
sometimes um and something that I
noticed that is very common with a lot
of people that are on journeys of like
what I am on and what many of you guys
are on how you're losing weight you see
the skill going down you fill your body
changing your ambition is there but then
you find yourself wanting to still quit
and give up and I really sat and thought
about that cuz I thought you know so
many times I have fallen into that same
thing like I have done the same thing
where you know I started something and I
seen the changes and in fact two years
ago I went on a what was it a no carb so
no carbs low sugar diet and I went from
four hundred and four hundred and forty
pounds or four hundred and thirty pounds
I'm not sure I can't remember if I can
find my book I will let you guys know
what the exact numbers were but I think
was four thirty and I got all the way
down to three hundred
83 pounds in six months now
I was noticing difference in my steering
wheel in my clothes and my walking and
my ability to hold myself more
straighter and more proper and I was
noticing changes everywhere and I also
was seeing changes on the scale great
filling but even though I was seeing the
changes and of course I was I was loving
the changes like I mean come on who is
who who would not love changes like that
but even though I was loving the changes
and I was seeing the changes and people
were seeing the changes in the back of
my mind I was screaming at the top of my
lungs that you know I want carbs
I want sugar I want these things the
only way that I would technically be
able to have those things is if I gave
up because that's what I restricted
myself from so of course if I were gonna
eat that then you're a failure and
you're done and that's a big reason why
when I went into this this time I told
myself you know you can have anything
you want don't tell yourself you can't
have nothing Amy because this food is
never-ending and you are allowed and
allotted and you are worthy to have
every thing that everybody else is
eating there is no reason that you have
to give anything up my problem is
moderation portion o moderation yeah
moderation portion and the binging which
the binging came from feeling like I was
gonna fail so if I was gonna fail a
better binge it so it's gone and I would
do it in secret so then I don't get
judged by anybody while I'm doing
so when I was reading these comments I
was like you know I don't know 100% what
they're all on like I don't know if
they're on keto I don't know if they're
on Atkins I don't know if they're on
Weight Watchers I mean the story can go
on about how many diets are out there
that people are on and I just you know I
wanted to message a couple of them but
then I was like you know that's no I
don't feel like that's my place
especially because some of these
channels aren't my channels and I don't
want to step my bounds you know because
I that's not my place but I too find
myself sometimes getting scared at the
differences I noticed on me and in fact
I was going through my phone last night
and I found some pictures from and
actually you guys can see them because
if you go on the YouTube video I'm
trying to think which one um oh my gosh
my brain just went dead women within I'm
sorry if you watch that video and watch
how I'm trying on clothes I can and I
have the pictures I was looking at those
and I thought my god what a difference
in not even my body but when I look at
the picture of my face I see such loss
like I just see emptiness I you know I
just see broken brokenness heartbroken
because I know I wasn't comfortable I
wasn't calm I was in so much pain that
video you guys have no idea how many
times I had to stop and sit down because
it hurts so bad to make that video and I
was just pouring sweat but I would pause
the video and wipe myself up and you
know drink some of my soda that was
sitting on the back of the thing that I
noticed when I was watching the video
the other day
and I was just I can't believe watching
that video where I was to where I am
today now has my body changed much I
don't think so but a lot of people say
they see it I don't and that's not what
I'm even looking for but what I see now
when I look at myself I see hope I see
strength
I see self compassion self-love I see
ambition I see all of that and all along
that's what I've always wanted I thought
I had it but I think I was lying to
myself for so long telling you myself
you're comfortable and it's okay and you
know it's it's you don't want to go on a
diet because if you go on a diet you
can't have you know a peanut butter and
jelly sandwich I'm just throwing
something out there guy I don't even eat
those like them but I mean I'm just
using as an example and you know today I
was sitting there and I was feeding s
her as some lunch and she had asked for
some macaroni and cheese macaroni and
cheese is my ultimate favorite I don't
know why but macaroni cheese is like a
complete satisfying comfort food for me
like I can get down with a box of
macaroni cheese and so I made her her
macaroni and cheese and I hadn't eaten
lunch yet and I you know I was hungry
but I just I seriously didn't have a
chance to make myself something to eat
due to her being on my lap all day long
and so I made her and I split it up
between her and Omar and she ate
whatever she was gonna eat of it and I
think there was probably like maybe a
half a cup left and I was sitting there
I was like you know what if I want it
why am I not gonna eat it why am i why
am I gonna throw it out first of all why
would I throw it out because I'm not
able to have it who said I can't have it
why can't I have it it's not macaroni
cheese is not that it's unhealthy
macaroni and cheese isn't what is doing
the damage it's me making the choice to
eat a box of macaroni and cheese versus
having a serving of macaroni and cheese
and if I'm still hungry then go and make
something else like vegetables or
something to go with it so you know
losing weight and wanting to give up can
go so hand-in-hand in so many ways but I
wonder with some of these people that
have that mindset of wanting to give up
is it because you've restricted yourself
is it because you told yourself you
can't have these things because if you
have that mindset that's what's gonna
make you want to give up because your
body is wanting all the things that
you're telling it it that it can't have
and your mmm your rebel is gonna pop up
and she is gonna fight and she's gonna
fight hard so if you're telling your
rebel I'm sorry but you're no longer
going to have any carbs but why because
carbs are not bad carbs are nothing bad
it is how you play it is how it will
become bad if you sit and eat a whole
loaf of bread in a day yeah that
probably is not the best choice because
if you would come you know eat some
bread and you put some vegetables in it
and you add a little you know then you
would be full enough that you wouldn't
need a whole loaf of bread and I'm not
talking to you as a nutritionist because
I am NOT a nutritionist whatsoever I
don't claim to be a nutritionist I've
been with a nutritionist for over a year
now and I think that I've learned a lot
from her and I've done a lot of my own
studying because I want to know
everything about my issues and I've done
a lot of research on binge eating and
I've read books on binge eating
and honestly I don't think I don't think
it takes a complete nutritionist to tell
you what possibly could be the issue my
nutritionist is very good about
encouraging no judgment and things like
that which has helped me because I used
to do that I would set myself up
basically for failure because I would
set myself on those no carb low sugar
and then I would judge every single
thing I ate and then when I do judgment
well then comes the self guilt and the
punishment and then comes the wall I
don't give an F I'm gonna eat it anyways
because I want it and there goes me
eating a whole pizza to make up for the
guilt that I have for having a piece of
pizza or even two pieces of pizza
because even having two pieces of pizza
why can't you have two pieces along with
a salad and a nice glass of water or you
know flavored water or tea or whatever
by the time you're done you will be full
and you will not want a whole piece of
or a whole pizza
um but a lot of times I think people
fall into the bracket of self judgment
and that's so sad and I'm so heartbroken
to hear that people are making such huge
strides in their weight loss journey but
then they find themselves still falling
into the judging themselves and just
wanting to give up even though they're
making progress and I think that's
because they feel like they no matter
what are failing themselves because
they're not following the restrictions
that they put on themselves and if so if
you don't put those restrictions out on
yourself you will have nothing to judge
because that's not gonna be something
that's an issue so I just wanted to
really stress that to you guys while on
my journey is that that is something I
have been very very very cautious this
time with is not setting any type of
restriction
against what I'm allowed to have because
again I'm not on a diet I am nowhere
close to a diet
I don't like diets diets are an enemy
they are a bad word in my home and we
don't believe in diets this is a journey
of change you know and it doesn't it's
not even just a weight loss journey like
at first light that's what you know
that's kind of what I was more or less
kind of focusing on was like weight loss
journey and of course yeah I I am doing
a weight loss journey but I don't think
I can seriously call it that a hundred
percent anymore because not only am I on
a weight loss journey but I'm also on a
journey to change so many more things
about myself everything from my mental
health to my physical health to my
emotional health there's so many things
else that I'm changing that's on this
journey that it's not just a journey of
weight loss it's a journey of a me
changing and growing in so many ways and
really learning Who I am and finding my
real true identity
so this journey isn't just based on my
weight loss anymore I think that it has
become so much more and that to me is so
exciting because not only am i focusing
on becoming healthier but I think as I
continue to focus on finding my true
identity it's also finding my weight
loss and everything else that comes with
that because in my true identity that is
the person that I want to be which is a
healthy person mentally emotionally
physically I mean
verbally in every way possible and
learning to have self-respect is part of
losing the weight and gaining confidence
and you know making strides to reach my
goals 100% whether it happen
you know in a month from now or you know
five years from now no I don't want it
to take that long but you know I'm I'm
setting high strides to become the
person that I've always dreamed of being
and I think step by step and day by day
I'm getting closer every single day I
think I wake up every single day to a
new different beginning and I see life
different every single day I you know I
received news differently now I can deal
with conversations differently now I can
handle so much more so much different
that before I used to I don't want to
say I used to fall into the victim
category because I think in a lot of
ways through my past I was the victim
I'm not gonna sit there and say I wasn't
the victim and I will never deny that I
was a victim in many different
situations but I also can say that I
went in the past I used to take a lot on
and take it personal so when I would
take things personal it would spiral out
into a whole different scenario of you
know self sabotaging and you know self
abuse and you know what can I do to hurt
myself and you know those things all
fall into the same category as what I
was before as to what I want to be now
so as my life is changing every single
day I just want to encourage you guys to
please make sure that you look out the
whole you know the whole picture to take
a step back and look through your whole
picture and make sure if you're feeling
like you want to fall off the bandwagon
or you're just wanting to give up check
and see why why is
that you want to give up what is what's
drawing you to feel like you want to
give up is it because you've set
boundaries that you can't with hell you
know withhold is that you restricted
yourself from things that you honestly
sincerely want to have in your life
I mean release take a step back and ask
yourself those things because when I
stepped back and I really asked myself
what Amy is it that is causing you to
want to just give up it was honestly
because I was not ready to give up
things in my life that I was forcing
myself to give up and that wasn't fair
to me because I'm still human I'm still
here I'm still a me I still have all the
same you know organs and body parts and
emotions and cravings I mean I still
have all of that so why go in and rip
everything out that my body's only ever
known and tell it no more just because I
want to change things it's it doesn't
work that way you have to work with what
your body is at that moment and having
self compassion is the biggest the
honest biggest thing that you can have
for yourself is self compassion mother
yourself you have to be your own mother
sometimes you know love yourself treat
yourself with such high respect because
you deserve it you deserve it just like
everybody else deserves it and that's
where I'm at today and it took a lot for
me to get to this place and I'm still
learning like I said I go every week you
know I go to therapy and I learn things
every single week about myself because I
am a new person and I'm trying to learn
who I am and where I want to be because
the old me is the sad and broken and
angry and hateful person and the person
I am today is so full of compassion and
compassion for so many people and not
only just for other people but for
myself
and that feels amazing to truly fall in
love with yourself is such an amazing
feeling
so grasp on don't give up don't give up
it's not worth it hold your own hand
tell yourself you're worth it tell
yourself that you're worthy to continue
on this journey of change and that you
want to find the new you the new person
and show that new person the love that
it means I hope you guys had a wonderful
day today and I will see you guys again
tomorrow bright and early
take care
[Music]

